Jack : Kisses

Dear Jack-you-love-machine-you,

Kisses can be the most innocent things, can't they? A peck, stolen quietly in the dim light of the summer dusk and a squeeze of their hand. It can also be one of the filthiest things imaginable.

Either way, kissing is highly underrated.

- We Love U Jack
Dear WLUY,

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jack : It crushes my soul

Hey Jackles,

I need some advice on how to breakup with my girlfriend. We've been going out for about two months and I was wondering what I should do to let her down easy.

bored of her
Dear BOH,

Are you seriously thinking about getting rid of this girl? Have you got another girl lined up? If not, I really think you should hang on to this one.

What about your friends that are in long-term, rewarding relationships? How are you going to hang out with them if you aren't part of a couple? What about relatives? Won't they be bugging you about your love life all the time? And what about the loneliness of sleeping in a big empty bed for two? Wouldn't that be really depressing?

So my advice is to find another girl. Then dump this one. That way you will never be alone and your friends can't pass judgement on you.

Jack : gravatar silence

Gravatar is a "global avatar" service. In essence, you pick an avatar (a small square picture to represent yourself) and then you can expect it to show up on any site that supports gravatars (my personal blog is one of them).

Gravatar2 is supposedly coming soon. Honestly. Except their last blog post was a month ago. And the admin last posted to the forums in August. And the server is constantly down.

But we've been assured! In the old blog posts, he states in no uncertain terms that Gravatar is not going away! That they're close to a reliable serving mechanism and everything is going to be awesome! You know what would be really awesome? An update. So everyone can stop standing around holding their breath and hoping that a website they thought were awesome dicks them about.

Jack : V's Monologue

Here, for your reading pleasure, is V's introductory monologue:
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.

Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
Sexy, ain't it?

Jack : Dawn

Sunrise and sunset. Whenever the sun is out, it feels like someone is watching over us.

When I think of the sunrise, I think of a dark and lonely winter morning; waiting outside on the bus stop. It's 6:30 in the morning and I'm waiting to catch a bus to school. It's as dark as night and it's the first bus of the day. The bus slows and its brakes exhale slowly. I climb aboard and put my ticket in the machine. In and out.

"Good morning!"

I look up at the bus driver and all he can do is beam at me.

"It's a new day! Smile!"

I force a smile and sit down. Doesn't he understand? I am a teenager. I know things. I've seen the world for what it really is; I looked behind the curtain and I know it's shit. Why smile at a new day when every day from now on will be exactly the same because we are all flawed humans and doomed to drown in our own mediocrity?

The longer I sat their stewing in my cynicism the more it became clear to me. It became clear that sometimes it pays to just let go. To enjoy the specific but mundane uniqueness of each and every day and sure life is shit but at least you're not dead.

I never saw the sun rise that day. It rose without me as I slept onboard the train into the city. But when I got to school, I smiled.

Jack : Biased Liberal Media

I can't help but think that I'm being a bit blinded with all the liberal media that I absorb. From things to The Daily Show and The Colbert Report to all the blogs I read that all originate from blue states.

I mean, sure, I believe that George W. Bush is a bad president. There's a lot of evidence to support that. There's a lot of stuff pointing to how this administration have screwed things up. I care enough about civil rights to know that some of the changes they have brought in are just plain bad.

But somewhere along the way, the cry of "Dubya sucks" was perverted into "Yay Democrats".

In Studio 60, a flustered Matthew Perry is questioned about why he doesn't make fun of the Democrats, he says something along the lines of, "I would, if only the Democrats would do something."

So maybe the Dems are exempt from political satire only because of their sheer inactivity. I don't have any doubt in my mind that comedians would quickly capitalise on any mistake made in the public eye regardless of political affiliation.

But it's easy to forget any misdemeanors committed by the Democrats when there's such a media circus around Bush.

Jack : 68 cents

Flipping around the intarblag this week, I stumbled upon a customer review of Walmart that someone had written. She had eaten a 68-cent candybar off the shelf and as she left the store, she was stopped by security and banned from Walmart for one year.

And she wants to tell the world about how "selfish and stingy" Walmart is.

Look, I'm not some crazy Walmart lover. But seriously?

You want to know why they banned you for a year? It's because there are shoplifters like you in all of its stores. People stealing nuts, grapes, cans of food, pop tarts, basketballs and television screens. They are all shoplifters and it's costing a pretty penny to hire all these security guys. 68 cents doesn't matter a whole lot to a bigass company but 68 cents times however many poor-people-cum-anarchists starts to add up.

You are the selfish one for trying to steal and arguing that it's right. If you had offered to pay for the candybar on your way out of the store, you might have a legitimate complaint. But all you did was prioritise your stomach above the law and fuck with the livelihood of however many thousands of people Walmart employs.

You want to take down a giant megacorp like Walmart because you think they're too rich? Fine, I support you. Start something political. Or open your own competing grocery store where people can eat all the candy off the shelves and leave. Go on a diet and stop eating so much candy. Whatever.

But don't steal and sell it like you're some kind of suburban martyr.

Jack : "the race"

This is an amazing piece of prose: the race at jane dark's sugarhigh!.
It is with mounting nausea that we watch poets race to cast their liberal votes for candidates more conservative than the Republicans they found beyond revulsion twenty years ago — and indeed not just to feed at this trough but serve the slop.

Jack : If the glove feach, you must impeach

I can't remember where I read/heard it from but there was someone who said that if the Democrats were to seize power away from this current Bush administration, they should not work to vilify, humiliate or punish the Bush administration over its handling of this War on Terror, Katrina, September 11, civil rights, etc.

The fear is that core members of this administration could become martyrs.

That's right. Martyrs.

Obviously, people aren't going to die as a result of any punitive actions. But it might spell the end of their political career. Or their credibility and reputation.

Hoenstly though, I don't think anybody worships this current administration enough to think that they have been without fault for their time in office.

Jack : 01

Hey Jack, I dare you to write out a whole bunch of fake Latin text.
Ok, you got it.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Vestibulum aliquam hendrerit felis. Morbi elit. Nulla sagittis nulla at sapien. Sed nec massa. Proin consectetuer pretium ipsum. Aliquam dignissim aliquam turpis. Suspendisse congue aliquet ligula. Suspendisse posuere vehicula neque. Proin malesuada viverra quam. Etiam tincidunt. Vivamus lobortis neque vel est.

Nunc venenatis ligula nec lacus. Suspendisse dignissim volutpat massa. Aenean venenatis. Etiam id tortor quis nisl volutpat pulvinar. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos hymenaeos. Cras non ipsum at velit malesuada mattis. Donec enim enim, hendrerit id, porta sed, laoreet vel, metus. Curabitur feugiat tempor nisl. Curabitur lobortis bibendum nisi. Sed ante mi, condimentum eu, vehicula at, tincidunt ac, nulla.

Lachlan : Fuck

Jack : Oh Liar Town

In a world gone mad like this, I need you more than ever.


Jack : Dishwasher

Another sweaty reader writes in:
Dear J-Man,

When is the best time to wash the dishes?

Well, that's really more of a philosophical question.

Do you see dishwashing as a necessary evil? A calming meditation? A fact of life? An awful punishment? The intervening time in which dishes are of no use to you?

I think dishwashing should be done as late as possible but no later. Do them before you go to bed or before you start cooking the next meal (whichever comes first). Don't do them while people are still eating. Don't do them in-between cooking/serving courses (unless you need the dishes).

Am I wrong?

Jack : Cab Drivers are Tight

When a taxi driver asks you to "pay upfront", he means he wants a deposit on the eventual total.

That is, if he asks you to pay $40 upfront, you still have to pay the rest when you get home. You do not get the extra $13 erased off your bill.

Fuck taxis and their fucking interpretation of paying upfront. With that $13, I could have gotten a nice pasta dish at CAFE STAX!!!

Jack : How to write political satire

First you need a government that is a complete joke.

Then you need cynical teenagers that answer "pfft" to everything.


Jack : Difference of the sexes

I've long been wondering... what's the difference between sex with good friends and sex with significant others? To me, it feels sorta the same and I was wondering why people make this distinction when it's really just the same thing.

Lachlan : The Statue

Good day liartown readers, and welcome to this years Liartown post! It's certainly been a while hasn't it. That's a shame. The letter...

Dear Lachlan of Liartown,

You seem to be considerably up yourself, so I was wondering if you could help me, a fellow egotistical douchebag, come up with some plans for constructing a statue of myself.

Yours sincerely,
Best Guy Ever

Well, you certainly asked the right person. I have overseen the construction of a number of personal statues, each more magnificent than the last. Behold! A number of pointers for you:

1. Make sure you use slave labour. Half the fun of constructing a monument in your own image is causing millions of inferior slave people to die during its construction. In fact, this is the most important measure of your monument's success! It doesn't matter whether it makes you look like a gallant stallion of a man, because you can simply have a plaque on its base that says "20,000,000 Australian children gave their lives to build this monument"

2. The choice of material is critical. You need something that is going to stand the test of time; something that in 40,000 years from now will still be inciting fear in the masses. My suggestion would be diamonds. Build it out of diamonds.

3. Decadence is critical. If your monument doesn't bankrupt your country, it simply isn't extravagant enough. Populations should starve, oil wells and gold deposits exhausted.

4. Select a pose that people will remember and make sure to tell the architect to enhance all of your best features. Your monument-self needs to look like he just fought off 7000 lions with his biceps of steel - even if, in reality, they're more like biceps of jelly.

5. Pick only the best artists and architects. Make sure you take into account their fertility - you're going to need more artists after the first generation dies during the monument's construction.

6. Have a trusted security detachment keeping the proles in line. You can't afford a rebellion, or some rogue slave giving your monument a two inch penis.

There you go BGE! A recipe for monumental success. Your enemies, citizens and possibly the lord almighty will be envious of your achievments.

Lachlan of Liartown

Daniel : liartown needs content

and that's where i come in with my bootloads of contenterificiness. there's a frickin cable hanging across my keyboad at the moment. across my keyboard. ! .

jack is totally in to the capitals but he can't force ,me to capitalise my post hahhahahaha, well he can but i rather suspect that he hasn't!! we will find out eh\? eh? speaking of whihc, i have a huge crush on chunky. good thing she never reads this site. i like the way she is insane on msn and doesn't close her curtains when she is getting chagned.

Jack : i now loathe Krispy Kreme

Have you ever been eating a cake and then a piece of the icing will fall off? How curious, no? A little piece of icing all by itself. You eat it and all its sugary goodness engulfs your mouth like someone has condensed cake into its most purest form.

That is what it is like to eat Krispy Kreme donuts. It is like eating cake icing.

That is the Krispy Kreme recipe. They said, "Hey people love donuts with icing on them. Would they love icing with donuts inside of them?"

The answer is yes. Yes they would.

Coming home from Sydney airport, I bought 2 dozen mixed donuts. All but 4 of them where iced. I have eaten 3 so far, my family has collectively devoured 5 and the rest moved on to friends and family.

After eating one, you feel bloated, the inside of your mouth is dry, your teeth are stained with icing sugar and everything smells like a donut because your nose has been blocked with donut dust. So while the process of eating Krispy Kreme donuts is a great thing to be experienced, the aftermath is quite messy and unnecessary. To draw a really pathetic similie, it is kind of like sex. In essence, you need some sort of condom before you eat a Krispy Kreme. Or maybe a pill you can take beforehand.

Something for the eggheads to think about. Hmm.

Jack : New Design; Comments Missing

Hi guys,

Here's the refreshed look for Liar Town.

It's official. Liar Town is now better looking than my main site.

Jack : What would you change about the design of this blog?

I've been thinking of a few things for the design of this blog.
  1. Turning it into a dark background
  2. Re-instating capital letters
  3. Putting really bright colours everywhere
What would you change about the design of this blog? Vote in the comments!?!?!?!

Jack : more funeral planning!

It is I again, Raymond G. Elucidite. If you missed the first half of my two part series on funeral planning, you can read it here.

As I was saying, my Uncle was the founder of Polanski & Polanski Incorporated. He was a hard-working fellow and he quickly built a funeral business empire around the idea of wearing really black suits and generally being a bit of a downer.

Together, our family has worked for over 50 years on this business and we are darn proud of it. Our motto is, "Even though they're dead; they're worth something."

...oh sorry, my fly is undone. ...theeeere we go.

Anyway, young people! It is important you set up a funeral plan now. Because through all of human history, the death rate has been at a solid triple digit percentage. Even with all the advances in modern medicine/religion, the death rate has not dropped.

I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, gee, this joke is really tired now and I'm going to stop reading :( But wait! I'm almost finished! I just want to leave you with five simple words.

You are going to die.

Thank you to Jack for this amazing opportunity to reach the young people and thank you for your attention during this tired joke.

andrew : scary emails from gods again

dear residents of liartown,

soon your pathetic blog will be mine


let me explain; being the god of death for a practically dead religion was getting boring so i have reinvented myself as the internet god of death. i take dead sites and blogs then eat them up, they are then judged and reincarnated or sent to hell or heaven according to thier merits.

your lack of posting has alerted me to your blogs state of near death. just thought i would give you a friendly warning, im new at this and any feedback would be appreciated.

your soon to be overlord,
mictlantecuhtli: old aztec god of death, new internet god of death

p.s. sacrifices welcome, opening month offer: a free obsidion knife and altar with which to butcher your noisy neihgbours, email me and i'll have one sent out.

scary stuff people, scary stuff. seems even gods need to fill a niche to get market share these days.

hope my knife and altar get here soon :)

Jack : Greetings Bloggers and Bloggees

It is I, Raymond G. Elucidite, famed CTO of Polanski & Polanski Incorporated.

I have come to you on Jack's behalf to talk about an issue that I care about very deeply: Your funeral.

You see, at Polanski & Polanski Incorporated (I like to shorten it to P&P Inc. teehee) we think it's very important that you spend some time now to plan ahead for your future or lack thereof. If you don't think about your funeral now, then someone else will have to think about it later on.

But Raymond, I hear you whimper, why should I do work now that someone else will do for me later on?

Well, let me tell you the story of my grandfather, Moses Ignatious Polanski, who attempted to cross the great Andes mountain range on nothing more than two donkeys. He died of food poisoning on his very first week in South America and as a result, left the family with a great financial burden. For you see, Moses had many friends and he'd always boasted to these friends that he would have the most grandest funeral ever with elephants and fire juggling.

So naturally our family left him to rot in the halls of some third world South American cafeteria-cum-mass_grave opted to not publish an obituary.

My uncle, so ashamed of our family's penny-pinching and general laziness in flying all the way to identify and claim the body, started P&P Inc. as a way to atone for our sins.

Tune in next week for part 2 of guest blogging by Raymond G. Elucidite and the end of his oh-so-useless life (and lack thereof) lessons about funeral planning!

Daniel : Road work... delays expected

If it's wrong to find young, female goths dressed as construction workers, undertaking construction work, hawt... then I don't want to be right.

I have never enjoyed road works this much.

Jack : cruisy

dear jack,

how do i let a crush know that i like them?

- i'm a wuss
well iaw,

When I want a crush to know i like them, i like to buy them four dozen roses and have them delivered to their house with a 'secret admirer' note.

haha, just kidding. if i did that then i'd never get laid.

What do the readers of liartown do to notify a crush that they're groovy cool out of this world?

Daniel : Heart go -->splat!<--

Dear Daniel of liartown,

I have dumped you for your best friend!

brainy, intelligent, totally cool hottie
b.i.t.c.h- my heart is broken!

Daniel : you are the tastiest thing in the restaurant. by far.

if you are hawt, i recommend against dining at my work! this is because, when you come in, i will make a mental note that you are hawt, and then ignore you for the rest of the night.

in this way, i ensure that you will think i am a bad waiter, and not the perverted bad waiter i am in reality.


enjoy your meal. i didn't do anything to it.

andrew : amor vincit omnia

as the title states so eloquently in italian "love conquers all". its true that when chaucer penned these immortal words, he was making a statement about the power of love.

now the question begs, how do we read this statement? unlike most three word statements, i can see more than one meaning presenting itself.

does it suggest that love is an unstoppable force, that nothing can stand in the way of two people who are in love? that love will find a way, for no obstacle is too great for true love to prevail? knowing that someone loves you and cares about you more than they care about themselves can give you a feeling of immortality. does it suggest that love will always win out, people ultimately finding themselves joyful and loved?

or does it suggest a darker truth? that we are all slaves to love, destined to be defeated, conquered, if you will, be this unstoppable force? whether it is trying to live up to an idea of love that doesn't exist or staring across a room at a person you care for, knowing your feelings will never be returned; i think most of us have been subjugated by love.

now i pose another question, how do you, reader of this somewhat odd and self indulgent article, interpret this relatively simple statement? it could say alot about you, the way you think, the way you in fact, love.

so, dear reader, what are your thoughts on this matter. for memories and feelings are the tapestries that cover the unyielding walls of our subconscious; tell me the hue of your favoured thread and i will in turn tell you the cast of your soul.

Daniel : tropical queensland

Already the mail is flowing in.
dear daniel at liar town,

our viewers have voted you out of the house, because your perfection is irritating.

hugs and kisses,
big brother
Thank-you for your informative note bb! I never liked your show anyway- your paradoxes are much better.

I hope you all get malaria.

andrew : a romantic evening in a car i'll never forget

no joke this was actually in my message box

dear andrew of liartown

when are you going to ask me out? maybe you could buy me? i thought we had a good time together, do you like me?

unnamed sports car

i was all excited until i realised this was from a car and not a girl. its also a little scary to think that cars are now capable of connecting to the internet, writing emails and having emotions

ps this message did really exist, on that note, plagiarism is delicious, thank you to the original writer. whatever you may be.

Lachlan : Hummel Gets the Rockets

I greet you today, my most cherished reader-base, at the crisis point of our age. The letter:

Dear Lachlan of Liartown,

Retired General Frank Hummel just stole some chemical weapons and some missiles, and has camped out on Alcatraz threatening to kill millions of people if he doesn't get his way. How can I, personally, resolve this situation?

Please Hurry,

Dr. Stanley Goodspeed
Well Stanley, that's quite a conundrum. You know what I'd do? I'd go straight to the CIA, and get them to hand over John Patrick Mason, because that guy is the fucking shit, man. Seriously though, that's not the letter. Here is the letter:

Dear Lachlan of Leotards

Why do you waste my time with these posts about the msn? Tell me where is the leotards! I need them for my exercise!

I Am Fat!
Well IAF, firstly, if you had have sent a better letter, I wouldn't have had to draw people in with that Frank Hummel story. Secondly, I don't deal in Leotards anymore, not since my stash mysteriously disappeared around the same time that Andrew was shipped off in a crate full prostitutes. No, the leotards didn't come back, and i'm certainly not going to look for them. Jack keeps a leotard though, I've seen it in his closet, but I can't give you that one either, it has a big yellow sign on it that says "do not touch - needed for 'personal use'. Jack"

So, everyone, the moral of the story? John Patrick Mason.

Jack : It's Delicate

Dear Jack,

My friend is cutting himself. It's a cry for help. He cuts himself but he doesn't tell anyone anything but I know because I've seen the marks on the insides of his arms. What do I do?

- Friend In Pain

andrew : free diesel

only one email for me this week

dear white trash
we have been informed that you have a camper van parked on your front lawn. please remove it or we will arrest you under the anti terrorism act

thank you for your consideration
knox city council

well kcc you guys certainly know how to abuse the public's trust dont you?
i was gonna write a big long post about how there are old people camped out on my lawn but i wont now, just to spite you. i think i will just concentrate on the fact that i got a tank full of diesel payed for by someone else.

you don't need to know the specifics, suffice to say you should be happy for me. if your not...well i cant do anything about that; you are a bad person and i cant be held responsible if the cosmos deals you some bad karma.

on a side note, i had a free donut today. donuts are usually delicious, they taste less delicious if your hands, and by extension your donut are covered in smelly, bad tasting and highly flammable diesel. In hind sight i should have just set the donut on fire despite the risk of also setting fire to my precious hands. i think it would have been worth it...because now i have a tummy ache.

Jack : hey jack, waste my time

hey jack,

what does the name 'jack' actually come from? what does it mean?

- nominally investigative garden association
well niga *cough*,

I looked up the name 'jack' and it actually means, "totally awesome in bed".

ladies, if you're reading, call me. all this pure uncompromising smoothness can be yours if you decide to take me to dinner and pay for the joint cab ride back to your place.

jokes aside, i did head down to my local library and put spend an hour or so burning the books. amidst the smouldering pages and screams of human torment i found a "origin of names" book that says that 'jack' derives from the old middle english 'jaourquek'. 'jaour' meaning absolutely, all-encompassing or totally. and 'quek' from the root 'quekare' meaning 'awesome in bed'.

i couldn't read the rest of the book because someone had ripped it apart and fashioned it into an ad-hoc tourniquet to tend to the wounded. i decided to untie my red bathrobe and retire to my quarters for an early afternoon round of martinis.

andrew : everyone else is doing it

i recieved a mysterious email the other day
dear andrew of liartown

will you ever stat your own blog? i found your one post witty and insightful

p.s. be careful of universe destroying paradoxes

from andrew of liartown

well aol your letter presents me with three problems.
the first involves me talking to my myself, i keep telling myself i should stop doing it, but i dont remember writing this email so maybe i shouldn't be blaming myself.

the second problem is that this letter could be from a future version of me. the post script hints at this and i am left wondering if starting my own blog is the only way to save the world.

this brings us to problem number three. i will admit that i do like a good rant, i like to read them, i like to give them. people often tell me i should start a blog. the question is: would i have enough material to do it on a regular basis? factor in my chronic disinterest in the affairs of humanity, my sub-par spelling and my fingers that always type 'teh' whenever i try to type 'the' and you have a pretty good case against it.

however it would give me a sense of achievement to beat two of my friends, studds and fay, to the creation of a blog. it would also give me a forum to speak my mind without having to write, or have my imaginary future self write, imaginary emails.

Well i guess the final answer to your question crazy/future aol is this: i'll think about it

ps in a true act of self sabotage (and to see how many people read my post) i want all you readers out there to put your suggestion for my blog name in the comments section, lets see if we can break the strangely apt record of three comments set when jack talked about threesomes. if i dont get any comments i may just call it whybothernooneisgoingtoreaditanywayithinkillgocryinmyattic.blogspot.com

andrew of liartown

Jack : i want to type in uppercase

-___________- boo~

Lachlan : why i don't like your face, bitch

good morning readers - early morning that is. the type of morning where you haven't slept properly for 4 days and everyone who talks to you reminds you of that jackass in primary school who used to beat you at everything, and still does. how does he beat you at everything - is he some sort of superman? what the fuck is going on here? there will be no letter today, but instead, a story of sorts; a harrowing tale of

let us begin.
the morning is cold. colder than you've ever remembered. why? because today is the day that you have to go to the bank, and let's face it, that really doesn't have anything to do with the temperature. the alarm beeps. beep. beep. beeeeep. geet uuuup dickheeead. you always wake up before the alarm goes off. it is the way of things. beep. beep. beeeeep. you stop the alarm, and step slowly out of bed, stubbing your toe on the fucking bed-post again. this causes you to fill the rest of your morning routine with a veritable assortment of curse-words, except of course, for the breakfast component. you can't swear while you're eating. breakfast is the usual brilliant cereal shovelling - another opportunity to figure out an original way of insulting the makers of all-bran. "all-bran tastes really good until you put it in your mouth", you think chuckling to yourself. you stop chuckling once you realise that it wasn't funny. also you have to go to the bank. fuck.

you arrive at the bank and commence the regular queuing deal. half a day of work has passed, and you're unbelievably tired. so what? everyone else at the bank is tired too, but do they care about you? no. that's ok, because you don't care about them either. all you need to do is bank a cheque, then you can get the out of there and back to your miserable fucking life. you start thinking to yourself, "why is everyone here so pissed off? what makes people so angry for the entire day when they have to go to the bank?", and then you look to the front of the line. you see that there is only one attendant at the counter, and he does not look happy. you observe him work, and realise that this man, despite his obviously efficient work ethic, is both the cause of the problem, and clearly a douchebag.

that man is me, i am god, and i don't like your face, bitch.
i think that all of us can learn an important lesson from that piece of writing. a very important lesson indeeeeed.

Jack : get the fuck off me


the library is closing now, you need to leave.

wait... are you typing what I just said? Sir, I know you can hear me, you're typing what I just said.


andrew : Resurrection

hey guys its andrew here. seems rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated. for the last 3 months i have been imprisoned in a shipping container with prostiutes. someone who shall remain nameless told me i should go down to the wharf and check out his shipment, looks like i was accidently locked in. anyway, to cut a long story short, i got a free trip to north korea and i learnt that while prostitutes are all fun and games in the short term, they will turn on each other if they get hungry enough.

on my arrival back in the country i found someone had sent me an email

dear andrew of liartown,

where are you? we are assuming that your dead. either that or you've run off with the prostitutes and in that case we will hunt you down and kill you, so your as good as dead. either way we will announce your death on the blog.

lachlan of liartown

ok lol,

call off your bounty hunters. it was an accident and i think i've been punished enough. keeping a container full of women entertained for 2 months and then only having 1 month to come up with a way to cook raw meat using only a straw, a pair of pants with no zipper and disposable camera took its toll on me.

now that i've figured out how to post i'll probably forget to do it. and i'm too tired from evading bounty hunters to fugure out how to format this properly, you can yell at me later.

andrew of liartown.

Lachlan : Baseball

hello trusted readers of liartown. sorry to have kept you in such suspense over the last 3 months, but we felt it was a necessary evil. the rate of questions we've been getting has been overwhelming, and we thought things were going a little too fast for the average internet user. when we first started liartown, we had an anticipation of one, maybe two emails a month - but boy were we wrong - in january alone we received 4 emails! we didn't post any of them up though.

today, liartown reader, is your lucky day. i'm going to respond to two emails. here goes nothing!

dear liartown,

where the fuck are you? i mean, i'm not trying to sound rude, but seriously - three months? what the fuck?

bored and angry reader

well baar,

let me start by saying 'thank you for your feedback'. this is exactly the type of quality feedback that we have been long searching for here at liartown; and i don't think i'd be wrong in saying that it's long overdue. and now i'll try and defend myself by saying that it's all andrew's fault. the mayor was on the run from the authorities because of a small mistake in the paperwork required for his prostitute shipping business, and i was busy reading the emails for the month (two times the expected monthly email rate is too much to handle) - so we left andrew in charge. he died because we forgot to feed him.

well that gets one out of the way, so lets move onto the second one.

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well hs,

let me start by saying 'thank you for your feedback'. this is exactly the type of quality feedback that we have been long searching for here at liartown; and i don't think i'd be wrong in saying that it's long overdue. it is great to know that you are trying to keep us informed of the latest and greatest in software products available on the vast internest. please keep me up to date at least once a month by sending me more emails like this one!

there you go readers! two emails in one post. i hope you enjoyed our tactful 3 month break.

lachlan of liartown

Jack : ice cream

Today is a hot day so I am going to eat an ice cream.

Fuck it, let's have 10 ice creams.

Jack : heisenberg's uncertainty principle

Hope everyone is enjoying their holidays! We're still swamped over here at Liar Town so I've recruited my good friend Andrew to help us out. Andrew was Pulitzer-nominated in 2004 for his stunning coverage of the civil unrest in africa, has worked over ten years for various top-ranking publications and is currently finishing his phd in breakdancing. We humble folk of Liar Town are honoured to have him contribute.

Ok now let's get into today's science-themed question!
Dear Liar Town,

I'm a budding physicist and I was wondering how heisenberg's uncertainty principle applies to say... women.

- Einstein of Love
Well that's really stupid question, eol.

Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, as I understand it, is the idea that you cannot continually measure a particle and achieve exactly the same result even if you are given an infinitely precise measurement tool. This is due to something called the wave-particle duality which means that every particle behaves like a wave or something.

How does this relate to women? Well, women also exhibit wave-like behaviour that isn't evident in a single instantaneous observation. Their mood is cyclic with a period of about oh... say 28 days. All this means that even with the biggest and smartest machine on earth, you cannot measure a woman without some uncertainty in your results.

My advice here is to take several imprecise measurements of a women and opt for the ones that have lower amplitude and with positively-adjusted baseline. I could illustrate this point with some graphs but I will leave that for another day.

There is also a misinterpretation of the heisenberg principle in the field of quantum mechanics. The idea is that measuring a particle disturbs its state and changes your result. This is a supposedly incorrect idea in the world of quantum physics but it actually applies to women.

Last night I went out to a bar on the south side of town and I continued to intensely observe this one woman. By the time we were furiously making out in the back of a taxi, it was impossible to know what her initial mood was because my presence and subsequent observation had altered it. This effect can be dampened somewhat with the use of one-way mirrors and hidden cameras but why turn down a decent snog in the back of some grimy cab? ;)

Lachlan : misplaced happiness

dear lachlan of liartown,

my girlfriend seem to have been having problems for a while now, like, i mean, she wont sleep with me, and she keeps calling me things like useless shitbag; which, although true, is slightly aggravating coming from her. what should i do about this problem?

- useless shitbag
merry christmas one and all!

Jack : happy holidays!

Let's get straight into it!
Dear Liartown,

I'm going to be pretty cold and lonely these holidays :(
Can I come over and cuddle with you?

- Sad Thirty-Five Year Old Nerd Who Will Never Find Anybody
Dear stfyonwwnfa...

yes :(

Jack : Christmas Conflicts

Christmas is getting nearer folks! I hope you're getting ready to repent!

Anyway, I dug up an appropriately-themed email letter:
Dear Jack you lying son of a biotech,

What the hell am I meant to buy my girlfriend for Christmas? I don't want to look cheap but at the same time I don't want to make her feel like I'm buying her love.

- Big Spender
Well, bs, let's settle this once and for all.

You are buying your girlfriend's love.

While everything is relative, the more time and money you spend on her, the more she will like you. This year, I recommend you buy her conflict diamonds. The more blood shed over their shinyness, the better. It's got everything a woman needs: riches, adventure, suffering and a very attractive conversation starter.

Lachlan : happiness

dear l-dizzle,

how do i find true happiness? i've looked everywhere :(

- mopey joe

well mj contrary to what the mayor may have you believe, i believe that happiness does not lie crammed in a fancy, well furnished uptown apartment with 17 hookers inside. no, no, i believe that happiness can be found by brutally clubbing seals.

thank you and good night.

Jack : joking about a threesome

Ok! Still sifting through the tons of emails you guys have been sending in this has been great. Remember: if there's anything you want to ask then don't hesitate to send an email to liartown@boxofjack.com. It's pretty backed-up but either I (jack) or lachie will eventually get around to answering in about 3 - 7 days.

Here's today's question:
Dear J-dawg and l-dizzle,

I can't stop making jokes about having threesomes when I'm with my girlfriend and her friends. I just find the idea of sex so funny and three people having sex even funnier. Is this weird?

- Stand Up Comedian
Dear suc,

Well no, it's not weird. If you are constantly doing it then it means that it weighs on your mind. This is what psych majors call being passive aggressive.

If you want sex, then sit your girlfriend down and talk about it. Be a goddamn adult and talk to her and bring up the idea of a threesome if you want that. If you don't think she can handle it but you still can't live without it then your relationship has more trouble than just your bad sense of humour.

If you don't actually want a threesome and you don't wanna talk about it then you're being a dick. you're constantly reminding your girlfriend of her inadequecy whilst hinting that you want to poke her friend. good work. you are a shining example of jerk boyfriends.

caveat: this only applies if you're doing it all the time. if you've only made the joke like... twice... then you need to get some maturity and more importantly a real sense of humour.

Lachlan : Skatanic

dear lachlan of liartown,

is ska dead? someone told me that ska was dead.

- penniless punk-rocker
ahhh ppr's of the world, when will you learn. like you, i remember a time when ska "rocked" as it were, but those times are long gone; all that is left is watered down, skank-tastic punk rock, with maybe some crappy trumpet or trombone thrown in for good measure.

but why, you ask? why would ska die? surely, the foundations of the ska of old were un-breakable. do you remember the movie 'un-breakable' with bruce willis and samuel l. jackson? well its like that: ska is bruce willis, and at the start he was normal, then he discovered that he had super powers, and all was well, and... i guess.. selling out would be the black crippled guy in the wheelchair? ok so that's a shit metaphor, but you get what i'm trying to say.

well, maybe you don't, but i'm pretty sure my point had something to do with the artists being sick and tired of being poor. thats right, they 'sold out', or at least attempted to. remember "less than jake"? their whole motto was to not sell out - and we all loved them for it - but look at them now, dancing around up there with their sum41-esque guitar and their almost non-existant brass section. it's a disgrace.

so yes, ppr, ska is dead and its never coming back. but you know what? i seriously don't give a fuck, because it wasn't really that musical in the first place. maybe a few ska bands selling out is what is needed to put you young whipper-snappers in your place; to make you realise - hey, wow, more than 4 people in the entire world actually like my band now, maybe their music could possibly be better than before.

i know it hurts, but just accept that ska is dead, and move on to new areas of music, like the never ending goodness of fantasy-metal. blind guardian 4evers y'all! xoxoxoxo

Lachlan : blood lust

dear liartown,

there is this girl in my class who i think is really hot but she looks kinda like a vampire - should i ask her out?

- curious, attracted yet scared as hell
caysah is too long an acronym, so i wont use it. now, normally, i would never answer a romance related question, but i think vampires are hawt.

however, be warned! activities involving vampires are always risky business - and i don't mean "dancing around in your underpants with sunglasses on" risky business, i mean the type of risky business where you wake up in the morning in a pool of blood with a significant stabbing pain in one of your corrotted arteries.

that having been said, i think that if this girl is reeeally hot, then you should just go for it; what better way to show up your friends than by rocking up to one of their parties with a hot female vampire controlled only by her unconditional love and/or lust for you? just make sure you heed the following advice:
  • never go to sleep. ever. or she will kill you.
  • think about investing in some sort of cage, dungeon, or similar.
  • if you want your romance to succeed, garlic, silver and open wounds are big nonos.
  • always use a condom. vampires are often associated with the undead, so u really have no idea where she's been.

Jack : getting the girlfriend

Dear Mayor Jack of Liartown,

I've been really itching down below and I was wondering if you had any advice on how to get a girlfriend.

- horny but ready to commit
You're really asking 2 questions there, hbrtc. The first itch is most likely a skin condition. Seeing as the possibilities of you having an STD without any prior sexual contact are slim to none, it's most likely caused by you spraying cologne down there. Don't do that.

Seriously, if a girl has got her head down there, catching a whiff of obsession for men isn't going to sway the odds in your favour. Just do what the pros do and get a haircut.

Ok I'm a little out-of-date with the latest dating lingo. I asked one of my hookers and she said girlfriend means a girl that has been going out with a guy on a regular basis.

Here's my advice: the quickest way to a girlfriend's heart is through the boyfriend. Get in good with him and he'll eventually invite you to join one of their dates. Play your cards right and you might get back for "coffee" (your place, your place or my place? hmm...). Just remember, you are a stranger to their troupe so respect their customs and seriously, go easy on the cologne.

Jack : girl problems

You're a girl and you look like you got problems. Girl problems.

Today's question:

Dear Jack,

Why don't girls want me to solve their problems? They come and cry to me and they get all pissy when I tell them how to get over it.

- Mr Fix It
Well MFI, I don't know if you've ever been near a girl but surely you would have heard by now that girls don't want solutions to problems, they want understanding. Oh you may be rolling your eyes and thinking about how superior you are with your penis and your emotional stability. But here's the classic example of why you're an idiot.

Girl: My puppy died.
Guy: Buy a new one and move on! Jesus Christ what is it with you vaginae?!

(Is that the pluralisation? I don't care.)