Jack : heisenberg's uncertainty principle

Hope everyone is enjoying their holidays! We're still swamped over here at Liar Town so I've recruited my good friend Andrew to help us out. Andrew was Pulitzer-nominated in 2004 for his stunning coverage of the civil unrest in africa, has worked over ten years for various top-ranking publications and is currently finishing his phd in breakdancing. We humble folk of Liar Town are honoured to have him contribute.

Ok now let's get into today's science-themed question!
Dear Liar Town,

I'm a budding physicist and I was wondering how heisenberg's uncertainty principle applies to say... women.

- Einstein of Love
Well that's really stupid question, eol.

Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, as I understand it, is the idea that you cannot continually measure a particle and achieve exactly the same result even if you are given an infinitely precise measurement tool. This is due to something called the wave-particle duality which means that every particle behaves like a wave or something.

How does this relate to women? Well, women also exhibit wave-like behaviour that isn't evident in a single instantaneous observation. Their mood is cyclic with a period of about oh... say 28 days. All this means that even with the biggest and smartest machine on earth, you cannot measure a woman without some uncertainty in your results.

My advice here is to take several imprecise measurements of a women and opt for the ones that have lower amplitude and with positively-adjusted baseline. I could illustrate this point with some graphs but I will leave that for another day.

There is also a misinterpretation of the heisenberg principle in the field of quantum mechanics. The idea is that measuring a particle disturbs its state and changes your result. This is a supposedly incorrect idea in the world of quantum physics but it actually applies to women.

Last night I went out to a bar on the south side of town and I continued to intensely observe this one woman. By the time we were furiously making out in the back of a taxi, it was impossible to know what her initial mood was because my presence and subsequent observation had altered it. This effect can be dampened somewhat with the use of one-way mirrors and hidden cameras but why turn down a decent snog in the back of some grimy cab? ;)


Anonymous Anonymous 4:40 pm, January 11, 2006  
i call bullshit! Heisenberg's uncertainty principle states that you can either measure the velocity of a particle, or its position, but not both. So either you know where it is or you know what it's doing.

Women, on the other hand, are like quarks. Just plain weird.
Blogger Lachlan 3:03 pm, January 12, 2006  
lies at liartown?! it is unheard of i say! besides, everyone knows that heisenberg's uncertainty principle is actually related to typography errors in the word 'heisen' (originally intended to have two s's), related to 'berg' from the popular tv series 'two guys, a girl and a pizza place'. the theory was stating whether or not using the word heissen in relation to berg's name was actually kosher.

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