Jack : Christmas Conflicts

Christmas is getting nearer folks! I hope you're getting ready to repent!

Anyway, I dug up an appropriately-themed email letter:
Dear Jack you lying son of a biotech,

What the hell am I meant to buy my girlfriend for Christmas? I don't want to look cheap but at the same time I don't want to make her feel like I'm buying her love.

- Big Spender
Well, bs, let's settle this once and for all.

You are buying your girlfriend's love.

While everything is relative, the more time and money you spend on her, the more she will like you. This year, I recommend you buy her conflict diamonds. The more blood shed over their shinyness, the better. It's got everything a woman needs: riches, adventure, suffering and a very attractive conversation starter.