Jack : getting the girlfriend

Dear Mayor Jack of Liartown,

I've been really itching down below and I was wondering if you had any advice on how to get a girlfriend.

- horny but ready to commit

You're really asking 2 questions there, hbrtc. The first itch is most likely a skin condition. Seeing as the possibilities of you having an STD without any prior sexual contact are slim to none, it's most likely caused by you spraying cologne down there. Don't do that.

Seriously, if a girl has got her head down there, catching a whiff of obsession for men isn't going to sway the odds in your favour. Just do what the pros do and get a haircut.

Ok I'm a little out-of-date with the latest dating lingo. I asked one of my hookers and she said girlfriend means a girl that has been going out with a guy on a regular basis.

Here's my advice: the quickest way to a girlfriend's heart is through the boyfriend. Get in good with him and he'll eventually invite you to join one of their dates. Play your cards right and you might get back for "coffee" (your place, your place or my place? hmm...). Just remember, you are a stranger to their troupe so respect their customs and seriously, go easy on the cologne.