Lachlan : The Statue

Good day liartown readers, and welcome to this years Liartown post! It's certainly been a while hasn't it. That's a shame. The letter...

Dear Lachlan of Liartown,

You seem to be considerably up yourself, so I was wondering if you could help me, a fellow egotistical douchebag, come up with some plans for constructing a statue of myself.

Yours sincerely,
Best Guy Ever

Well, you certainly asked the right person. I have overseen the construction of a number of personal statues, each more magnificent than the last. Behold! A number of pointers for you:

1. Make sure you use slave labour. Half the fun of constructing a monument in your own image is causing millions of inferior slave people to die during its construction. In fact, this is the most important measure of your monument's success! It doesn't matter whether it makes you look like a gallant stallion of a man, because you can simply have a plaque on its base that says "20,000,000 Australian children gave their lives to build this monument"

2. The choice of material is critical. You need something that is going to stand the test of time; something that in 40,000 years from now will still be inciting fear in the masses. My suggestion would be diamonds. Build it out of diamonds.

3. Decadence is critical. If your monument doesn't bankrupt your country, it simply isn't extravagant enough. Populations should starve, oil wells and gold deposits exhausted.

4. Select a pose that people will remember and make sure to tell the architect to enhance all of your best features. Your monument-self needs to look like he just fought off 7000 lions with his biceps of steel - even if, in reality, they're more like biceps of jelly.

5. Pick only the best artists and architects. Make sure you take into account their fertility - you're going to need more artists after the first generation dies during the monument's construction.

6. Have a trusted security detachment keeping the proles in line. You can't afford a rebellion, or some rogue slave giving your monument a two inch penis.

There you go BGE! A recipe for monumental success. Your enemies, citizens and possibly the lord almighty will be envious of your achievments.

Lachlan of Liartown

Comments:

Blogger andrew 2:51 pm, August 13, 2006  
i would build mine out of weapons grade uranium. That way the slave toll skyrockets and noone can get close enough to demolish it.

though i dont know how uranium is as a building material... i want grubby villigers 10,000 years from now to be able to recognise me as their god, i don't want them worhipping some no face statue
Blogger Mike 8:37 pm, August 15, 2006  
Man, I feel so sorry for Jason Bournes girlfriend, getting shot in the head like that. I can't imagine it being much fun.
Blogger Jack 8:42 pm, August 15, 2006  
2 INCH PENIS?!?!?!

THAT'S HUUUUUGE!!!

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